The Fabulous Diary of Gilderoy Lockhart
by MagicalUs
Summary: The scandalous and exclusive diary of me, the esteemed Gilderoy Lockhart.  Contains excessive use of the word 'fabulous.' Because I am!
1. One Is Fabulous

A/N: _Hello one and all! Welcome to the supremely fabulous diary of Gilderoy Lockhart written by MagicalUs! __The diary will be covering the year in Gilderoy's life in which he takes up a job at Hogwarts teaching Defence Against The Dark Arts. __We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoy writing it!_

_And please leave us a review...we love to know how we're doing!_

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><p><strong>Chapter 1 – One is Fabulous!<strong>

_5th August 1992_

**Home - 11am.**

Dearest diary,

Hello! New money-making scheme begins.

Scheme is thus: have fabulous, opulent, semi-scandalous, _definitely _risqué diary entries published for profit.

Only slight snag is that said diary entries do not yet exist. Unfortunate. Also, cannot steal the diaries of others because they would be utterly mundane nonsense not worthy of Gilderoy Lockhart. That, too, is unfortunate because I've done great work with the memories of other, less beautiful people.

Also must find a "mate" of sorts for risqué parts. That will, naturally, be easy.

The fabulousness begins here!

(Best not to include this first bit, I think.)

**11.10am**

My hair is truly wonderful this morning. Very buoyant. Almost fluffy, though never frizzy. I really _must _market those hair-care potions.

**11.30am**

Caught sight of myself in the mirror and swooned. It was lucky the chaise longue was there. Summoned Ida (my house elf, not a buxom, short skirted maid, worst luck!) to fetch the smelling salts. She brought them to me in what I consider to be a very ungrateful manner, especially considering that the pillow I've given her to wear is pure cashmere. Plus, she'd overdone it on the eucalyptus oil.

I wrinkled my nose. "Ida, Ida... now, as someone experienced in the art of scents and perfumes, I can give you a few pointers that should prove helpful to a rookie such as yourself."

"Sir?" she squeaked.

It was pointless. I told her firmly that serving an Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award required a certain level of pizzazz.

Do you know what she said to that? "Um, excusing me Sir, but – what is 'pish-ash'?"

Useless.

**11.35am**

She has a very repressed air about her, and very little sense of style.

Definitely need to hire a buxom house-maid.

**12am**

The sunshine really compliments my hair today. Lovely.

**1pm**

Have decided that this diary should be helpful to readers, as well as saucy and risqué.

I shall dish out advice in helpful parcels as my wisdom is clearly wasted on Ida. (She has retired to the kitchen which I think is for the best – despite her flaws, she makes the most divine lemon meringue pie).

Anyway, to demonstrate –using an example from this morning – here is a 'Gilderoy Top Tip':

"A chaise longue beneath that ornate, Venetian arched mirror may come in unexpectedly useful – especially when one is devastatingly handsome with a hint of ocean blue eyes."

See? Fabulous!

I do so love helping people to improve themselves.

**1.02pm**

Writing a fabulous, scandalous diary is exhausting. I may need a brief power nap to revive the creative juices. Merlin, I'm quite the writer. We're such dedicated, gritty types.

**1.03pm**

Although if I'm going to take a refreshing snooze, best have Ida put my curlers in first. Speaking of which!

'Gilderoy Top Tip – Number 2':

"Curlers by night, ringlets all day. The proof is in the planning!"

Truly inspiring words. Brings a tear to the eye.

**1.30pm**

Cannot find Ida anywhere.

**1.33pm**

Dear God, the lemon meringue pie's gone too!

**1.34pm**

Quite concerned for the welfare of that pie.

**1.40pm**

Oh ho ho, I see what's going on here! It's too obvious! Poor, dear Ida, she has no subtlety whatsoever. She is quite clearly preparing a birthday surprise for me. And who could resist? I'm fabulous!

**1.50pm**

Birthday is actually in January so that's really _very _thoughtful.

**3.00pm**

Hmm. Must be a very big, very expensive and very lavish surprise as Ida has still not returned.

**5.40pm**

At last! Must have dozed off on chaise longue because I woke up with a start to find Ida pottering about as if she'd never been away. Tragically, hair is now flat on one side due to lack of curlers. _Flat! _May need the smelling salts again or perhaps a swig of Ogden's finest if Ida decides she can be bothered. Oddly, her cashmere pillow is now covered in cake crumbs...

**6.00pm**

Still no sign of pie.

* * *

><p><em><span>9th August<span>_

**Home - 9:30am**

Exciting news for one and all! (alright, just one but that one is me and I'm the only one that truly matters after all)

Amongst my usual splendor of fan mail and bras, there was a letter from dear Albus Dumbledore! I didn't know he was still around; he's been a bit quiet on the old heroics of late but I opened the letter nonetheless. He must want a signed photo!

**9.31am**

Oh. He has invited me to apply for the Defence Against the Dark Arts post at Hogwarts! No mention of a photo, but he must want one. Who wouldn't?

Might apply, I suppose. Depends if I can find the time in my busy grooming schedule.

**9:35am**

Oh my giddy aunt, this is SO exciting! I've made it! I've hit the big time! Will start preparing for interview immediately... must look fabulous and be ready to dazzle!

**12.37pm**

Note to self: play it cool at the interview.

**12.38pm**

But remember to bring the signed photo he was so _clearly _hinting at. And another for Minerva, the saucy minx!

**12.40pm**

Not as a bribe, of course. Gilderoy Lockhart need not resort to bribes!

**12.42pm**

...Can't hurt though. I'll take a stack.

* * *

><p><em><span>10th August<span>_

**Home – 11:52am**

Just about to set off for my soiree with Dumbledore about my new teaching position.  
>Decided on the lilac robes today. Nothing better than a gal's favourite robes to make her feel confident!<p>

Hang on...

**2.04pm**

It seems that I am to be a role model for a new generation of witches and wizards!

My little chat with Albus went as swimmingly as I had expected and, although he's still keeping me in the dark (the tease!) I'm confident that my employment is imminent.

Dear old Albus is just as splendid as I recall him to be...not as dashing as I, of course, but we _must_except the fact that his achievements are equally as good as mine. Minerva McGonagall was also there though she wasn't nearly as chatty...I think she may still be hung up on me after teaching me as a student and she's uncomfortable knowing that I know she finds me alluring. Goodness knows why, it's a given when you look like me! Honestly Minerva: I don't sleep in curlers every night for my own benefit!

**2:06pm**

Just looked in the mirror. Really can't blame these ladies for falling head over heels for Magical Me.

**2:07pm**

Ha! Magical Me!

**2:31pm**

Curls have slipped slightly. Must find Ida so she can put my rollers in again.

**2:34pm**

Found Ida. She was busy polishing my shoes. She didn't look pleased when I asked her to stop and come and put my curlers back in.

"Well, Ida, if you hadn't been so sloppy putting them in this morning we wouldn't be having this problem now, would we?"

"No, sir. You are right, sir."

"Aren't I always, my dear? Now make sure they're tight enough! I don't want them falling back out!"

**2:52pm**

Curlers back in!

**2:53pm**

Ow. Curlers v. tight.

**2:56pm**

Can't stand this anymore. IDAAAAAAAA!

**2:58pm**

Ida rearranging curlers. She pretends to be all innocent but I know she put these curlers in tight on purpose. Definitely need a buxom maid to do my bidding. Preferably one with a smackable bottom.

**8.07pm**

Dinner barely acceptable. Ida gave me steak and potatoes with bread pudding for desert. Steak! Potatoes! Bread pudding! Does she know me at all? The most I can manage is a light salad and some pineapple!

**8:46pm**

Could really go for some pizza.

**9:07pm**

Mmmm. Meat Feast.

**10:54pm**

In bed. These satin pyjamas are the business. Glad I got them in gold...may branch out into other colours to co-ordinate with other satin bed covers. Perhaps I should draw up a table to work out which colour pyjamas work best with said bed covers. Have plenty of covers in various shades of blue; periwinkle, sky, aqua, midnight, sapphire, royal, cornflower, Prussian etc.

Also have some good neutral shades; champagne, gold, cream, eggshell, vanilla, pearl, antique, ivory. All splendid and will go with anything.

However, if I purchase a lovely set of satin pyjamas in a spice colour, what would happen if Ida put the cornflower covers on the bed?  
>Anarchy, that's what.<p>

Table is definitely needed to avoid such possible occurrences.

**11:23pm**

Given up on table. Too hard.

Seems one cannot have beauty and brains.

If I could have one, which would it be?

**11:24pm**

HA! Got you worried then didn't I? Beauty...no question!

After all, no one wants a hero that looks like Hagrid.

**11:35pm**

May have to do some re-thinking vis-a-vis pyjamas. Keep sliding down in the bed. One minute I'm draped over the cushions looking like the Greek God I am, next I'm curl deep in duvet!

Really don't want to give up either satin pyjamas _or _satin sheets...

**11:39pm**

Maybe a non-slip mat...?

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><p><em><span>19th August<span>_

**Home - 6:23pm**

What an exhausting day!

Not only did I receive news that I have been accepted for the Defence Against the Dark Arts job (personally, I never doubted me), I have been meeting adoring fans!

I graciously took part in a book signing at Flourish & Blotts today. I have been pulled and pushed and kissed all in the name of the fame game.

(These swooning middle-aged women are all well and good but a suitable, young, fresh partner must be found for delightful, noteworthy antics.)

Will certainly be on the front page of the Daily Prophet tomorrow after I had an encounter with that Potter boy. Never really understood why he was famous; what's so special about being alive? Aren't we all? Come on, dear boy. You can find a better angle than that.

Still, he served his purpose in reminding everyone that I'M STILL HERE...as if they could forget one as magical as me.

**6.24pm**

Ha! Magical Me! That'll never get old.

**6.52pm**

Another noteworthy event that happened today was a brawl!

No, fear not, Lockhartians, t'was not I who was caught in the fray. Some over-the-hill men decided that my book signing would be the place to fight.

Can only assume said fight was for my love.

**10:47pm**

Time for Bedfordshire! Ida keeps looking at me as though she's waiting for permission to go to sleep. Lazy fiend! All she's done today is clean, cook and scrub! She should try my life of glitz and glamour! There's no sleeping on _that_job!

"Now stop complaining, Ida, and rub my feet."

Honestly!


	2. Two Good To Be True

A/N: Hey! We're back with a second chapter and we hope you enjoy reading Gilderoy's antics at Hogwarts!

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><p><strong>Two Good To Be True!<strong>

30th August

**HOGWARTS! - 1:45pm**

Oh goodness! It has been an absolute whirlwind of late! I am fresh from my arrival at Hogwarts and raring to go!

The journey was pleasant as I stopped off at Hogsmeade before travelling to the castle. Behind the bar in the Three Broomsticks, I spotted a charming witch with an ample bosom and a _very_smackable bottom (I know this because I tested it as she went past). Apparently she's Rosmerta's little protegee.

She wouldn't tell me her name though...the little minx!

**2.00pm**

Took Ida on a little tour of my new quarters! Not as roomy as the London apartment, but will be quite fabulous once all my fabulous things are in it.

**2.05pm**

She is now hopping up and down ladders, hanging up my portraits and favourite magenta satin drapes. The trooper! She was quite excited when I told her about my prestigious new position.

"In Scotland, sir? That is very far away, sir!"

"Well, Ida, some of us were born to travel in style!"

She looked bemused, which is not unusual. "Not Ida, sir. Ida has never left London..."

Here I saw an opportunity for a hilarious jape! "Oh dear, Ida," I said, showing that not only am I a best-selling author, but a fabulous actor too, "I'm afraid you can't come with me then!"

And she burst into tears at the mere thought! I soon set her straight, however, and told her that it was merely a joke too clever for her to comprehend. I told her she need never worry about us being parted.  
>It didn't stop her crying, though.<p>

They are sensitive creatures these house elves, we must remember that. She was clearly too overcome with emotion to speak. Bless!

**5.30pm**

A strange house elf has just barged into my quarters - with scant regard for a gentleman's right to privacy, may I add! - and handed me a note from the Headmaster. Another request for a signed photo, Dumbledore? Tut tut, the man has no subtlety!

**5.31pm**

Great Scott! A dinner invitation! With the staff! At six! That's a mere half hour away... IDAAA!

**5.33pm**

Panic stations, people. Ida cannot locate my lilac robes OR my curlers. How has she lost them, the fool? She packed them!

**5.35pm**

But by Merlin, what am I thinking? I wore lilac to the job interview! Don't want them thinking I'm a one-robe guy!

Rushed to tell Ida the change of plan. She had_ at last_found the lilac dress robes.

"Here you are, sir!" she squeaked, looking strangely proud for someone so obviously incompetent.

I waved her away. "For heaven's sake, Ida! Why didn't you warn me about the perils of lilac? I'm going for royal blue now. Go, go! Royal blue!"

**5.40pm**

Ida cannot find the royal blue robes, either. Typical. May have reconsider her position if she doesn't buck her ideas up.

**5.41pm**

Pity the barmaid with the smackable bottom doesn't work for me! A pert behind would certainly ease the pain of any inconveniences.

**5.50pm**

Scandalised. Ida just made a suggestion so horrific I nearly fainted. "Excusing me, sir," she said, ringing her hands like an urchin, "but maybe you could, um, go as you are?"

**5.52pm**

There really is no good answer to that, is there? Ludicrous nonsense. It goes against everything I stand for!

**5.55pm**

ROYAL BLUE ROBES HAVE BEEN FOUND!

**5.59pm**

Done! One last spritz of hairspray and I'm ready to sparkle!

**9.00pm**

Enchanting evening, just enchanting. Dumbledore throws a decent dinner party, I'll give him credit for that. Not as lavish as I would have liked, but passable. I suppose he can be forgiven because he is... what, 300 years old now?

Ancient, anyway. It's only natural that he's flagging.

**9.05pm**

Met the staff, of course! I just know they were all dazzled by Magical Me!

Some tried to hide it, but I saw straight through them. Pomona Sprout, in particular, tried very hard to stay aloof and alluring. She clearly wanted a piece of Lockhart. I was naturally flattered, although the fact remains that she is far too scruffy and middle aged for me. Sorry, Pomona!

However, there was one member of staff with whom I expect to build a firm friendship. In my esteemed opinion, there is nothing more important in friendship than helping the other better themselves.

And if ever there was anyone truly in need of my extensive range of haircare products and fashion advice, it is Severus Snape.

I've heard he's relatively good with potions, but the man is clearly a fashion disaster. I'll give him 2 out of 10 for trying (he was all in black, which is very slimming!) A deserved 0 for his hair, though! I doubt the man has ever seen a curler! He could definitely pull off the fluffy look - he has the cheekbones for it.

He caught my eye as I was assessing his overall 'look' and bared his teeth in what I can only assume was a welcoming smile.

**9.08pm**

I might suggest he invests in a set of deepest plum robes, which I feel will really bring out his eyes. Black is dreadfully severe, particularly for the very pale.

As I say, there is really nothing better than helping the less fortunate to better themselves!

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><p><span>31st August<span>

**Hogwarts – 7:35am**

Ungodly hour. Ida woke me up with a cup of herbal tea. Almost hit her. Restrained myself as I am a divine, forgiving, good man. With great hair. And teeth. And bum. And arms.

"You fool, Ida! What would I want with herbal tea?"

"But sir, you said you wanted me to always give you herbal tea! You said you were going to be healthy. You said you wanted a new you, sir!"

A new me? What on earth? There can be no improvement on what I am now. Decided to drink the herbal tea to continue my good will image. All the ladies love a gentleman who continues on despite others' mistakes.

**7:36am**

Spat out tea. Disgusting.

**7:39am**

Mmmm. Creamy cappuccino. Splendid.

**7:57am**

Now to de-curler hair and slide into robes for gallivanting about castle before brats...er, I mean lovely, charming children arrive tomorrow.

Heard that Madam Hooch is a bit of a cougar.

Might give her a visit later.

**8:03am**

OH. GOOD. GOD.

"IDAAAAAAAAAAA!"

**8:07am**

Hair is a mess. A _mess, _I say! Turns out Ida put more curlers in than usual last night because she _"wanted you to impress, sir!"_

She wanted me to impress? Of course I'll impress! Has she not read my books?

**8:08am**

Forgot: Ida can't read. Poor dab.

**8:14am**

Ida has managed to tame down my golden afro with some water and a spell or two. She is ever so good to me.

**9:25am**

Attended breakfast in the Great Hall with all the staff. There's a few sore heads this morning after Dumbledore's little soiree last night! Oh, we are cards!

Sat next to dear Severus and he growled. Poor fellow must be coming down with a sore throat. Am wearing plum robes today and I managed to brush my sleeve on Severus to test my theory. I was right, of course; plum robes would most definitely do the trick for him and bring out his coal black eyes. He'd still be a fright, but it's a step in the right direction!

After I'd eaten a few pancakes, I decided to engage in some _man's talk_.

"So, Severus. Have you got a special lady in your life?"

He looked like he was about to cry. Oh dear! Forgot that ordinary chaps don't get the ladies as easily as Magical Me.

"Well, never mind, eh? I'm sure you can borrow one of my lovely female fans; perhaps one of the chubby ones. You know, a lot of people overlook them but they tend to be so much more enthusiastic and grateful."

He didn't answer. Probably too overcome with gratitude. That happens a lot when I'm around.

**12:46pm**

Ho ho! Just had a _very_ interesting trip to see Madam Hooch. Found her in her office just off the side of the Quidditch pitch. When I peered around the door, she was sat reading and pretending she hadn't heard me; a common ploy the ladies use on dear Gilderoy to make themselves seem distant and unaffected by my glowing allure. It never works of course...I know all the tricks of the trade (_not_that I need them!) Still, I decided to play along and knocked the door.

"Oh, Madam Hooch!"

She jumped. Oh, she's good!

"Just thought I'd pop in and do a bit of a meet and greet." Flashed her a classic Gilderoy smoulder and, naturally, she melted with longing. Stay back Hooch! This Golden Delicious ain't for picking!

Mentioned, casually, that I had heard about her reputation for sleeping with members of staff. I was discreet, of course! A gentleman never lets a lady know that he knows about her past conquests!

"So Rolanda. Severus Snape...ever tap that?"

And she threw me out! I don't know why she bothered...that just proves she _did_get busy with Snape! Don't worry, Rolanda! We all get a little desperate sometimes!

**12:47pm**

Once, I bedded a woman with a monobrow!

**12:52pm**

Don't judge me, Lockhartians. It was after _Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests _came out and I was at a low ebb.

**1:34pm**

Bored.

Maybe I should take up a project to continue with on quiet days?

Hmmm...

**1:39pm**

I've got it! I'll teach Ida to read! As I always say, it's good to help those less fortunate.

**1:52pm**

Called Ida. Was just about to tell her about my plans to make her less of a simpleton when she said,

"Excusing me, sir, but the _Flamboyant Fella _catalogue has arrived."

Snatched it. Reading can wait; Ida will always be a simpleton but this season's satins and silks won't be available forever!

**2:06pm**

Oh, the silks! The silks!

And it seems champagne colours are back in this season. Good job I stocked up when it was big two years ago!

Still...doesn't seem right to wear clothes from two years ago when one is as fashionable and trend-setting as I...

To Hogsmeade!

**Hogsmeade – 2:37pm**

God, Ida's so slow_._

Come on! Gilderoy needs his fabrics and he needs them now!

**2:43pm**

"Right, Ida. Off you go. I'll be in the Three Broomsticks."

"But sir! You are not coming with me? I do not know what you want to wear!"

"Oh, pish posh! You have the list, don't you? That'll be enough. As long as it is champagne shaded it'll be fine."

And she scurried off. Good.

"And no damned polyester! It's silk, satin or nothing!"

Urgh. Polyester. Shudder.

**Hogwarts – 7.58pm**

Goodness, I'm exhausted! What a splendid eve!

After Ida scampered off to buy my new robes, I continued on to the Three Broomsticks to see if that delightfully buxom barmaid was working: which she wasn't, worst luck! But Rosmerta told me that she would be doing the evening shift.

So I waited.

As I was waiting, Professor Flitwick and Professor Dumbledore came in! What larks! And what an evening we had.

We began chatting about the school and the work I was going to do that year (yawn!) but as the Ogden's began to flow, so did the secrets! Turns out, Filius is quite the ladies man! Hmmm, surely he can't be in proportion all over then...

So I asked Dumbledore about his past conquests with the ladies, thinking that everyone loves a powerful man (as I know from experience) but he just said that women weren't his area. And winked.

Good Lord. I mean, I'd heard rumours...

But then, thankfully, that divine barmaid came in and all talk of Dumbledore's antics stopped as I began my little tango. I sidled up to the bar, working the smoulder and swaying the hips (not so much to suggest femininity but enough to suggest a certain _flexibility)_and purred,

"Three Firewhiskeys please, petal."

And she giggled. I'm _so_in there.

The evening was a success! I managed to get her name, Tricia, and a promise of her serving me again next time! Oo-er!

The risqué accounts start here!

**10.52pm**

Hearty late supper and called Ida in to put my curlers in. In a very generous mood since success with Tricia.

"Ida? Would you like to fashion some of my old clothes into little booties? I'm sure your feet could appreciate a bit of luxury."

"Oh yes, sir! Thanking you, sir!"

"Of course, you'll have to take them. If I give it to you, you'll be free and that won't do. No one respects a house elf without a position."

"Quite right, sir!"

I'm such a darling.

**11:12pm**

Just went looked in wardrobe to choose which robes to wear for tomorrow's glorious feast. Eventually decided on the chocolate robes with a champagne cravat and cream trousers. Very dapper!

**11:13pm**

Pulled chocolate robes out to find a huge hole in the back! IDAAAAAAA!

**11:16pm**

Ida thought the chocolate robes were 'old' and fashioned her booties from them.

I've been hung with a satin rope of my own kindness!

I hate it when that happens.

**11:21pm**

Ida's hiding.

I need to sleep off this tragedy and awake fresh and buoyant.

Gilderoy Lockhart is nothing without his beauty sleep!

**11:22pm**

And his curlers.

* * *

><p><em>Thanks for reading and please a review...we love them like Gilderoy loves his curlers!<em>


	3. Magical Three

**Magical Three**

1st September

**Great Hall - 7.00pm**

Another feast! How simply splendid! I'll have to keep an eye on the old waist if this keeps up. Diet? Hmm.

I'm sat next to my new bezzie, Severus, of course! He keeps avoiding my eyes, the poor shy dear!

**7.02pm**

Aaaah, and here they come! A new generation of witches and wizards ready to be Sorted. Look at them! All bright eyed and expectant, and clearly in awe of the great Gilderoy Lockhart!

**7.10pm**

Sweet Merlin. How long does a Sorting take? I would've gone for that late afternoon snack, if I knew I was going to have to sit through this guff!

**7.11pm**

Snooze.

**7.13pm**

May have briefly nodded off during the snotty, freckly girl's Sorting. Well, one needs one's beauty sleep, you know!

**7.16pm**

Her pig-tails are just awful. What is she, five?

**7.18pm**

Wonder if Dumbledore would allow me to make-over the Sorting Hat? It's so shabby and disgusting, just like Ida would be if I didn't force her to dress stylishly. I'd shudder to let it anywhere near my gorgeous, golden ringlets. I'm thinking rich purple fabrics. I'm thinking diamantes. I'm thinking tassels. It'd be simply divine!

**7.19pm**

That hat is so first century! It's screaming for some TLC, Dumbledore!

What colours did people even wear back then? Brown? And not the good, fashionable kind of brown, like my chocolate robes or my mocha pyjama set. No, I'm talking _peasant_brown. Yeuch!

**7.20pm**

AT LAST. Where's the grub?

**7.25pm**

Pork chops are a triumph! Might forgo the diet for just a couple of minutes...

**7.30pm**

TRIFLE!

**Bedroom - 9.00pm**

Relaxing in my boudoir after a delightful evening. Ida came in with some hot chocolate in my "I heart me" mug.

"Ida," I said, wagging a finger at her. "You could really learn something from these Hogwarts house elves, you know!"

"Pardoning me, sir?"

"Yes! Your pork chops are not a patch on theirs. They're like little bites of heaven! But made out of ham."

"No, sir, I understand," she blustered, though I doubt she did. "What I was meaning was... there are other house elves here at Hogwarts?"

"Uhhh... yes!"

Idiot.

**9.10pm**

Ida has vanished.

**9.11pm**

Oh well. Early to bed, early to rise as they say, so I must retire! Need to be up with the lark tomorrow, ready for an invigorating first day of teaching!

* * *

><p><strong><span>2nd September<span>**

**6.00am**

Awake! Oh, what a beautiful morning! The sunshine, the birds! I'm high on life. This is it, this is the stuff. Wonderful.

**6.02am**

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

**7.20am**

Huh? Face is stuck to the pillow.

**7.23am**

Where is Ida when you need her? I can't possibly get out of bed without her there to hand me robes and take out my curlers etc. Will just close my eyes for one more second...

**8.15am**

Oh dear.

**8.16am**

Summoned Ida immediately. This is my 'to-do-before-nine o'clock' list:

- Big English breakfast. Eggs, bacon, fried bread – the works.

- Mug of tea, including skimmed milk and ten sugars.

- Cleanse.

- Tone.

- Moisturise.

- Take out curlers.

- Examine wardrobe.

- Narrow down wardrobe to just three options.

- Choose (allowing time to change one's mind).

- Brush teeth.

- Floss (essential for Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award Winner!)

- Match shoes to outfit.

- If no shoes work, change outfit.

- Hairspray (to hold fabulous curls in place!)

- Maybe glitter hairspray for a jazzy vibe? (interesting!)

- Write lesson plan for Seventh Years.

**8.20am**

Hmm. Used up a good five minutes writing the list! Won't be able to fit in the lesson plan, I don't think.

**8.22am**

Anyway, how much attention can Seventh Years need? My natural charisma alone should be enough to satisfy them. A few cheeky winks for the ladies and some roguish jokes for the lads – they'll lap it up!

**8.23am**

Oooh, Seventh Years are of age, aren't they? Does this mean I have a license to flirt? It would be a crime not to, quite frankly!

**8.26am**

And their education is practically over and done with, anyway. All they need are a few pearls of wisdom, a few life lessons if you will. Simple.

**8.27am**

It'll be a breeze for a pro such as I! The REAL question here is this: what robes shall I wear?

**8.30am**

I told Ida this as she was suggesting outfits for me. "We mustn't lose sight of what's truly important here, Ida."

She held out the hot pink robes and looked adorably puzzled. "The students, sir?" she suggested.

"Pish! Goodness, no. I meant my appearance, you fool!"

**8.35am**

Rejected the hot pink. So last season.

**8.45am**

Turquoise?

**8.47am**

Or maybe a nice teal?

**8.48am**

Sorted! I'm now looking splendid in an on-trend, autumnal bronze. Perfect, actually, as I'm teaching Ravenclaw next! How fabulously considerate of me!

**8.55am**

Ida informs me I'm teaching Slytherin and Hufflepuff next.

**8.58am**

...Well, the thought was there.

**Staff room – 1.45pm**

Phew! Busy morning! This teaching lark, though... it's a bit easy, isn't it? I don't know why people complain!

I've just breezed into the staff room ready to soak up the juicy gossip and general atmosphere.

**1.46pm**

General atmosphere is a tad disappointing. Gingerly lowered my bronze-clad self into a hideously shabby leather armchair. Like the Sorting Hat, I think this room is in dire need of a Gilderoy make-over!

**1.47pm**

And no juicy gossip, either. The room's empty apart from me and Minnie McGonagall, who's looking alarming in an all-tartan cloak. She's not exactly chatty, this one. In fact, I can't even see her face over the top of her newspaper...

**1.50pm**

Hell-OH! Ready-made gossip just wandered in in the form of the golden-eyed goddess, Madam Hooch.

I sent her a flirty wink as she hurried past... and settled next to Minnie!

Interesting.

**1.56pm**

The conversation I was just privy to was_ bursting_with sexual tension:

"Afternoon, Rolanda."

"Minerva."

"Good morning?"

"Quiet. Been clearing out the locker rooms."

"Hmm. I could use a quiet morning. I had a double period with the third years – chaos."

"Say, Minerva, could I poach the Quidditch pages off you?"

"Of course."

**1.57pm**

I wonder what 'the Quidditch pages' is code for?

Lonely hearts? Lingerie ads? Judging by the charged mood in here, it must be something saucy!

**1.59pm**

They are now sat side by side, faces hidden by newspapers. Merlin only knows what's going on out of sight!

**2.00pm**

I have clearly uncovered an illicit lesbian love affair.

**My fabulous quarters! – 7.30pm**

Tip-top first day of teaching. Tip-top, indeed!

The kids loved me! The boys laughed like loons at all my jokes. I didn't even use my best material!

**7.33pm**

In fact, some of them laughed SO hard, I was worried they'd never stop. I can clearly add 'comedic genius' to my already full to bursting CV.

**8.00pm**

Ida just brought me a blueberry muffin (healthy!) and tomorrow's teaching schedule.

**8.02pm**

Goody! Am teaching the second year Gryffindors. So I'll get to see my new protégé, Potter, in action.

**8.03pm**

I'm not expecting much. He hasn't dispatched a dark wizard in _years._One in twelve years is hardly impressive. I, on the other hand, write a book a year and Potter has the nerve to call himself a celebrity with that pathetic record.

The boy needs taking in hand.

**8.05pm**

I need something spectacular for tomorrow's lesson to show him how it's done!

Think, Gilderoy, think...

**9.00pm**

"Idaaaa... what should I do?"

She paused mid-way through folding my socks. "A quiz, sir? Ida likes quizzes. Ida's favourite is on the, um, wire-less box in the afternoons." She giggled. "Ida never knows the answers, sir, but she still likes it!"

I shook my head disappointedly. Crazy, just crazy.

**9.20pm**

Okay, the quiz can be Plan B.

**9.23pm**

Wheee! Don't tell Ida, but writing this quiz is actually quite fun! Here's a quick sample to test your Gilderoy knowledge:

_9. If Gilderoy Lockhart could be any animal, which animal would he choose?_

_13. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's ideal first date?_

_15. Which Quidditch team does Gilderoy Lockhart support?_

_22. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite holiday?_

**9.24pm**

Here, in no particular order (tee hee), are the answers:

_The Holyhead Harpies (phwoar!), a well-built stallion, Valentine's Day and an evening of wining, dining and intelligent conversation._

How did you do, Lockhartians?

**9.31pm**

Great Scott! Half-way through writing up Ida's _stupid _quiz idea (I'm on question 38), it hit me! CORNISH PIXIES!

**9.32pm**

God, I'm good.

**9.33pm**

Where does one find Cornish pixies?

Cornwall?

**9.40pm**

Summoned Ida. "How do you fancy a little trip?" I said.

"Sir?"

**10.00pm**

Hope if Ida does go all the way to Cornwall she brings me back a souvenir.

**10.01pm**

Like a novelty pen or a Cornish pasty.

* * *

><p><em>Hey everyone!<em>

_Hope you're enjoying this diary and please leave a review if you can!_

_Thanks, lovelies!_


	4. Four Your Eyes Only

_A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry for the outrageous delay, but welcome to chapter four of the 'Fabulous Diary of Gilderoy Lockhart'._

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><p><strong>Four Your Eyes Only<strong>

3rd September

**Lockhart's Love Lounge (aka. My Hogwarts rooms) – 7:21am**

Ahhh, what a lovely morning! What a beautiful sight!

**7:23am**

I suppose I should explain: after she returned last night, Ida _finally_fixed my mirrors on the wall so the first thing I see in the morning is magical me.

**7:24am**

Magical Me! Ha! I really am priceless.

**7:38am**

Bored seen as I'm up so early. But what can I say? The desire to pass on the juices of knowledge makes me rise early!

**7:39am**

Urgh!

**7:42am**

Ida's returned with breakfast from the kitchens!

"H – here you are, s – sir."

"Ida? What's wrong with you? Yawning is awfully rude!"

"Begging your pardon, sir! Ida has had a long night what with the pixies and the mirrors!"

"Oh, pish posh! Honestly, Ida! You've only done a bit of work. Now, what's for breakfast?"

"Fried egg, fried bread, fried tomatoes, fried bacon, fried mushrooms, fried hash-browns, sir!"

Ah! Just how I like it. And healthy too with the mushrooms and tomatoes.

**7:44am**

'Gilderoy Top Tip – Number 3':

"Always eat breakfast in your private rooms. That way, when you eat breakfast publicly, you only need to graze on some pieces of fruit and a cup of herbal tea!"

That's a golden nugget of knowledge right there.

**7:47am**

Great Scott!

Ida has just told me that the kitchen is buzzing with news that my dear friend Harry Potter has performed the most flamboyant of stunts to signal his arrival at school. Oh, dear. Is this for my benefit?

**7:53am**

It must be surely? Why else would a young boy fly a car to school other than to gain my attention?

**8:22am**

Oh goodness! I've given him the bug, haven't I? The fame bug! That's what happens when you get a front page picture...you can't help wanting more! Oh, I'm wracked with guilt!

**8:25am**

Perhaps I should take him under my wing? Make him a suave, sophisticated and devastatingly fabulous gentleman? Oh, what a splendid idea!

**8:34am**

Hmmm. Maybe not. Don't want somebody younger stealing my thunder.

He'll have to make it on his own.

Though perhaps I could give him a few pieces of advice? After all, I may gain even more love from my fans if they find out I've been helping those less fortunate than myself.

**8:41am**

Will prepare speech for him and make the suggestion that he calm it down. He has plenty of time for heroics after school and –

Oh sweet baby Merlin! What robes am I wearing today? I only have nineteen minutes! IDAAAAAAA!

**8:56am**

Lovely sunny day. Turquoise will keep me looking hot, hot, hot! Picked the ones with the golden trim too! Matches hair beautifully. I'm free first thing this morning so it'll be the perfect time to talk to Potter!

**8:57am**

Now to find out what class he has this morning so I can intercept him and give him the seed of my knowledge!

**8:58am**

Urgh.  
><strong>Staff Room – 9:02am<strong>

He's got Herbology with Pomona Sprout!

Poor dab, having to deal with all that dirt. Messes up one's robes something dreadful!

**Office – 9:56am**

Managed to catch up with Potter in time. Even had a chance to give Pomona a little advice on nursing a Whomping Willow.

I'm on _fire_this morning!

**9:59am**

Gave Potter some delightfully sage advice on slowing down his career. Told him that there was no rush...we're all little nobodies at some point during our lives!

He looked a bit down when I told him that, so I tried to big him up a bit by telling him that all that business with He Who Must Not Be Named is at least a rung on the ladder.

I'm so caring and nurturing.

**10:00am**

Perhaps I should consider becoming a father...? It's not like it'd be hard to find a willing woman to bestow my seed upon.

Woof!

**Classroom – 10.01am**

Ah, little first years are wandering into the class, astounded by Magical Me!

Hmmm. Perhaps they are sort of sweet. Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honourary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, five times winner of _Witch Weekly's_Most Charming Smile Award and...nurturing father...?

**10:03am**

I'd be a DILF! Now, _that's_a title to be endeavoured after!

**10:27am**

Set the little Firsties the Gilderoy Quiz. Pretending to write a new book while trying to figure out which type of child would suit me most.

Quiet and snivelling? Would induce the '_awwww' _factor. Bit snotty though. Bleurgh.

Smart and book-ish? Would certainly be useful. But I run the risk of having a child more intelligent than I. That will not do.

Cheeky and charming? A mini-me! One that I can mould to be a less handsome, less intelligent, less charming version of me! Perfect!

**10:46am**

One little boy has just raised his hand. He looks cheeky and charming! Future son...? Depends on how healthy his parents are...

"Yes, dear boy?"

"Sir, this test is stupid! We don't wanna learn about you! We want to learn how to fight stuff!"

All of the other children laughed.

**10:49am**

I _hate_ children! I'm _never _becoming a father!

I can feel my bottom lip quivering but I will not give them the satisfaction. It doesn't do to let them know they've got to you.

**10:54am**

Dismissed class early. I will compose myself in my office.

**Office – 10:56am**

Sobbing.

Oh, why are some children so cruel? Why do they not want to learn about Magical Me?

"Sir? Sir? Are you alright, sir?"

"Oh I-Ida! H-h-hold m-me!"

**10:58am**

It's hit me!

That was a cheeky boy wasn't it? The class joker?

He was tricking me! It's a joke!

Haha! Oh, he got Gilderoy good! What a clever lad. Maybe there's hope for him after all!

**11:00am**

"Ida! Quickly! Fix my curls and wipe off my running mascara! I have a class to teach!"

**Classroom – 11:18am**

Ahhh, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor Seventh Years!

Now _these_ are students! Wonderfully hard workers! Watching them do the Gilderoy Quiz, I can practically _see_their thoughts.

**11:20am**

Good Lord, that's so deep. Maybe I could be a poet...?

**11:27am**

Hmmm. What to use my new poetic skills to write about?

**11:41am**

_Ode to Blouse_  
>by Gilderoy Lockhart<p>

_O blouse, you are white and crisp,_  
><em>Like a man with an aggressive lisp,<em>  
><em>I sometimes wish you were a misty wisp!<em>

_You've passed all your exams in Blouse Training,_  
><em>But your buttons are straining,<em>  
><em>And my confidence in you is waning!<em>

_When you part, what shall you reveal?_  
><em>A hairy chest to make me squeal?<em>  
><em>Or a cleavage for me to feel?<em>

_O blouse,_  
><em>Will you let me browse,<em>  
><em>And show me contents to arouse?<em>

_O blouse,_  
><em>You tease!<em>  
><em>You are a jolly wheeze!<em>

Beautiful!

Perhaps I should publish a book of poetry!

**11:52am**

If I do publish _Ode to Blouse_, no one can know that I wrote it about that perky brunette Ravenclaw Seventh Year in the front row.

Though, she _is_technically of age...

**11:53am**

Down, boy!

Oh, I'm _such_a card!

**11:55am**  
>Just checked her name on the seating plan. Michelle Tanner.<p>

Woof!

**Noon**

LUNCH!

**Great Hall – 12:13pm**

Sat next to Severus and we ate in companionable silence. That simply won't do!

"So, Severus old boy, ever tapped a student?" And I winked.

He just looked at me.

Keep forgetting most just aren't as lucky with the ladies as I! Bet he's wanted to, though. Before I came here, I didn't realise this would be such a breeding ground for young hotties! There's nothing like a young witch who's just come of age!

(Though should probably control self as actually am quite enjoying job and don't think scandal would help popularity.)

Maybe I could invest in building a romance over the course of the year and cash in after the school year is over...?

**12:15pm**

Bit of an atmosphere at the staff table. Perhaps Minnie and Hooch have had a lover's spat?

**12:16pm**

Gasp!

They're sat at opposite ends of the table! Minnie's by Albus, drowning her sorrows in steak and cake (more poetry!) Oh, Minnie! A fat arse won't win sexy cougar Hooch back!

Hooch is sat by Sinistra at the other end of the table. Hmmm. Is she on the prowl for a younger woman, perhaps? Well, I'll say this for Sinistra, she knows all the quiet spots in the Astronomy Tower!

If there are any doomed lovers that deserve some poetry written about them, it's these two old lesbians!

**Classroom – 1:03pm**

Just had to have _another_little chat with dear Harry Potter!

That boy is letting his ego run his life. _Signed photos _would you believe?

Still, I've got his second year class now and you know what that means?

CORNISH PIXIES!

After the Gilderoy Quiz, of course.

**1:37pm**

Some of these kids are dimwits. Whose favourite colour is _brown?!_

Brown I ask you!

Do I look like a brown lover to you?

NO.

**1:39pm**

Maybe there's hope after all! One girl had full marks!

I congratulated her and she nearly fell off her seat.

Seems someone has a little crush! Bless her!

But she's twelve. And she's no Michelle Tanner. And she's gross.

**Office – 2:12pm**

Well, I think the Cornish Pixies were a triumph.

A little rowdy, but a triumph nonetheless.

**2:14pm**

Also, have unfortunately lost wand.

**2:15pm**

Well, not _lost_as such. Pixies stole it and threw it out of the window.

But I let them!

I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honourary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of _Witch Weekly's_Most Charming Smile Award, could easily have taken out a cage's worth of Cornish Pixies but I chose to let them take my wand.

It was a life lesson for Potter. I was teaching him that even the greatest wizard in the world (me) can be toppled by the smallest creature (not really).

I'm so wise.

**2:18pm**

Free now, so should probably go and look for wand.

**Hogwarts Grounds – 3:20pm**

Found wand!

**Classroom – 3:43pm**

Classroom is still a mess. Bloody Potter and Co could have cleared up once they were done!

Young people today have no manners.

**Lockhart's Love Lounge – 3:45pm**

"IDAAAAA! Clear up the classroom!"

"But, sir! Ida isn't supposed to go into classrooms, sir! Ida is meant to stay downstairs or in teachers' offices, sir!"

"Oh, nonsense! Just clear it up, will you? It's much quicker when you do it."

"Oh...er, yes, sir!"

She's such a whiner. Gawd.

**7:00pm**

Evening meal! Om nom nom!

Let's hope Minnie and Hooch have sorted their love troubles.

**7:23pm**

They're sat next to each other! I _knew _it!

**7:27pm**

Wonder if they're holding hands underneath the table...?

**7:28pm**

Dropped fork to investigate.

**7:29pm**

Sweet Merlin! It's Hand Holding City under here!

**7:31pm**

Kettleburn and Trelawney? Ewww!

**8:43pm**

Nice to soak in the bath after a very long and busy day!

Which bath bomb?

Ruggedly Rose or Temptingly Tangerine?

Oh, decisions, decisions!

**9:36pm**

Early night, I think. Very comfortable now I'm smelling of rose (ruggedly, of course).

Ida's changed the sheets and I'm itching to get in!

**9:38pm**

Outraged! Ida's changed the sheets to hot pink!

I _told_her yesterday that pink was so last season! Did she listen? No!

**9:53pm**

To make matters worse, she's laid out the rust pyjamas! Rust and cerise? Is she mad?

**10:04pm**

Have told Ida to change the sheets.

"But, sir, wouldn't it be easier to just change your pyjamas?"

"Don't be ridiculous Ida...well, yes it would but that's not the point! It's the _principle_of the thing!"

**10:17pm**

Ivory sheets and rust pyjamas. Now that's a match made in heaven!

4th September

**Lockhart's Love Lounge - 8:14pm**

I've been busy, busy, busy today!

All this teaching lark has really filled me with passion (oo-er!)

Just a quick update to show you all that I've written another of my delightful poems for our favourite star crossed lesbians.

_Ode to Minnie and Hooch_  
>by Gilderoy Lockhart<p>

_O Minnie, my lesbian Scot,_  
><em>You are more interesting than a dot,<em>  
><em>And not as bad as a blood clot!<em>

_O Hooch, my lesbian dove,_  
><em>You are always doomed to love<em>  
><em>Those who don't fit you like a glove!<em>

_O Minnie and Hooch,_  
><em>We all wince when you smooch,<em>  
><em>And cover the eyes of our pooch!<em>

_But, O you lesbian two,_  
><em>We love you, (yes we do!)<em>  
><em>But when you split, we'll all say 'phew!'<em>

I'm crying at my own poetry. That's the sign of a talented artist.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading and please review! We love them!<em>


	5. High Five

**Note: **Hello all! Apologies for the ridiculously long wait for this next chapter, but here it is at last – another instalment of Gilderoy's fabulous diary! Please leave a review as we'd love to hear what you think! :)

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><p><strong>High Five<strong>

5th September

**Entangled in satin sheets – 7.00am**

_O, satin sheets,_

_How you entangle me,_

_Beautiful me,_

_Wonderful me,_

_Magical me._

_O, satin sheets._

I call that one, _O, satin sheets._ Bloody hell, I'm good! Writing poetry in bed – another sign of a talented artist. That one even had repetition in it and that's what all the best poets do. The Romantics? Or was it the Renaissance lot? Maybe they all did it, maybe I encompass all genres and eras in my greatness.

**7.05am**

Genuine woe has now entered my fabulous life! Ida has informed me we only have yucky wholemeal bread for my toast this morning.

I'm a true tortured poet.

**7.06am**

Going for a bubble bath to soothe my worries.

_So_ tortured.

**7.10am**

Lovely! I'm enveloped in mango and papaya bubbly goodness. And I've sent Ida off to the kitchens to fetch me some thick, gorgeous white bread. No boring, brown muck for me! Mm, this is relaxing...

**7.30am**

Bleeeeuurrgh - oh sweet Merlin! Fell asleep in the bath and woke up to a mouth full of suds and Ida waving white bread around like the fool she is.

**7.35am**

Foul mood. Even five rounds of white toast with chocolate spread from Ida cannot cheer me. My hair needs to be entirely re-done! The horror! Also, let us not forget that I could have drowned in that soapy tub. Where was Ida when I needed her?!

**7.36am**

Imagine that... a world without Gilderoy Lockhart.

**7.37am**

Shudder. On second thoughts, no, don't imagine that. I don't want to depress anyone else.

**8.15am**

Ida has _finally _finished restoring my hair to its former glory. Quite the task, but _so_ worth it. Swish-ability is back to optimal levels and my mood is tip-top!

**8.16am**

"Ida!" I clapped my hands at her. "Chop chop! I'm feeling... hmm, purple robes today. Purple is a very poetic colour, you know."

"If sir says so..."

**8.18am**

Which shade of purple, though? My options are, after all, plentiful. Ida staggered back from the wardrobe laden with my fabulous wares.

So much to choose from. Life is difficult when you suit every shade.

- Lilac

- Violet

- Amethyst

- Mauve

- Lavender

- Indigo (Though is that more blue than purple?)

- Plum

- Aubergine

Choices, choices!

**8.20am**

Have plumped for palest mauve this morning.

**9.03am**

Oooh! Knock on the door! I'm quite the Mr Popular this morning! (But then, aren't I always?)

**9.15am**

It was Minnie McGonagall. She informed me to clear my schedule this evening – she wanted me dish out some discipline.

"Gilderoy, you're never busy."

"Well – "

"I thought not. I need you on detention duty tonight. Potter and Weasley need taking in hand after the incident with the flying Ford Anglia."

"Oh, _yes._ A disgrace. I mean, Merlin, they could've picked a less shabby car."

**9.16am**

Minnie didn't laugh at my joke, but I think that's just her steely manner – or maybe she and Hooch have had a lover's tiff? I'm sure she was chuckling on the inside.

In any case, Potter is serving detention with me at 8 this evening. He'll be so excited to see his –_ and I don't think it's too soon to say this_ – his mentor. I'm a selfless, beautiful individual, giving up my free time so willingly to aid another. Told Ida as much. She _did_ laugh, even though it wasn't a joke, but then we must remember that she's of sub-normal intelligence. Poor darling.

**At the Ogre Hagrid's shack – 9.30am**

**(V. smelly)**

On a bracing tour of the grounds, I stumbled across what I thought – judging by the stench – was a portable toilet. Unfortunately, as I tried to burst through the door, a brutish creature appeared on the other side. It was the gamekeeper, Hagrid.

"Oh, using it are you, Hagrid? No worries, old chap, I'll wait."

"'Scuse me?"

Turns out it was _his house_. I was a little gobsmacked, but then remembered with whom I was dealing. Hagrid is, shall we say… 99% beard and the rest poor manners and a distinct 'musk.' I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

But hey ho! I'm a man of the people, so I invited myself in. I gave him a few interior design tips, reminded him that hanging animal carcasses are a bit 17th century etc. I really think we clicked.

**9.40am**

I left, gasping at the fresh air. It may not have been a portable toilet, but I'm pretty sure somebody's been weeing on the floor.

**9.42am **

Also, promised him a signed copy of 'Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests.' Though I wonder – can he actually read?

**1.15pm – LUNCH!**

Over a low fat steak and kidney pie (i.e. one slice instead of three – it's all in the maths!) I devised Potter's detention. I remembered the _stack_ of fan mail just _piling_ up on my desk and had a flash of brilliance. It's a regular occurrence, actually. Why not kill two house-elves with one stone and give Potter a lesson in celebrity while he serves his detention? Fabulous! It's a bit of treat, of course, so I'd best not let Minnie find out I'm letting him off so lightly.

**1.17pm**

Imagine a roguish wink there, Lockhartians! Haha!

**1.20pm**

I told Severus my plan over sticky toffee pudding (also low fat – only two helpings). He bared his teeth in what I imagine was a smile. "I'm sure Potter will _love_ that, Gilderoy. And I mean that sincerely. Brilliant." He left the table laughing. _Laughing! _Severus Snape! Wow. It seems I can never underestimate the impact I have on people.

**My quarters – 7.46pm**

Curling my hair in anticipation of Potter's arrival. That can be lesson one – a celebrity's work is never done; appearance must be maintained at all times.

**8.00pm**

Potter turned up, hair in disarray and tie off-centre. He's got a long way to go, that boy. "Come in, Harry, come in."

**9.45pm**

Giving Potter a master-class in the life of celebrity. It might be quite a short life in his case.

**10.25pm**

Reminded Potter of the often fleeting nature of fame. "The public are changeable, Harry. Keeping their interest is, in certain cases _(not mine),_ an uphill struggle."

**10.26pm**

_*cough*_ Potter is a one trick pony. _*cough*_

**10.32pm**

"Fame's a fickle friend, Harry."

**10.33pm**

How_ do_ I think them up? That one can go on a t-shirt.

**11.15pm**

Treating Potter to an enthralling account of my success. He's rapt with attention. "Now 'Wanderings with Werewolves' was a particular favourite. I really poured my soul into that book and I think it really resonated with my fans. In fact, it earned me many new ones too – well, six months as the bestselling book in the country speaks for itself, doesn't it?"

Potter jumped – out of shock and admiration, one imagines. "What?"

"I know! Six solid months at the top of the best-seller list! Broke all records!"

"No. That voice!"

That... voice?

**11.25pm**

Scared. Great Scott, Potter's gone _mad._

**12.02am**

Locked the door after Potter left.

Then bolted it.

Then wedged the desk against it.

**12.05am**

Ida came tottering out of the bedroom, wondering what the commotion was. She was holding a pair of my gold quilted underpants. "Is sir okay?" she faltered. "I have ironed sir's favourite underwear."

"No one's to leave or enter this room, Ida. No one! Potter is mental. He's decided to skip the normal progression of celebrity and jumped straight to 'public meltdown'. I need to peg him back a step or too."

**12.30am**

Hiding under the bedcovers. Door remains locked and bolted. _"Deranged Potter slays dashing ladies' man Gilderoy Lockhart while he sleeps."_

Now that would make quite the explosive headline, wouldn't it? Don't think I don't know your game, Potter.

**12.32am**

Heard a noise. Let out a _manly_ squeal. Very manly.

Might just leave the lamp on though…

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><p><em>AN – Thanks for reading and please do leave a review, if you can!_


	6. Six Bomb

A/N: _Sorry it's been so long! But Gilderoy is not easy to cooperate with and when he doesn't want to write, he won't. But now he has returned! Enjoy and please leave review! They're Gilderoy's life blood!_

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><p><span><strong>SIX BOMB<strong>

**7th September**

**My Chintzy Chambers - 6:32pm**

This teaching lark is zapping me! Today, I have had to give five lectures to adoring children on my heroic adventures, have instructed Professor Flitwick on his wrist action (his charms aren't what they used to be but I daren't tell Dumbledore - he'd surely hire me for two subjects and my hair couldn't cope with that burden) _and_ I've graciously sat next to poor, fashion-ailing Severus for both lunch and dinner!

**6:36pm**

I think he admired my fuchsia robes.

**6:38pm**

As flattering as his admiration is, I think it is my duty tell him that - as much as he may desire them - he cannot have fuchsia robes. Being _that_ pale with such severe dark hair...well, I can only shudder and the idea of him in fuchsia.

**6:39pm**

And shudder I do. Urgh!

**6:43pm**

Ida thought my shuddering was because I was cold so she rushed over with an extra blanket and a hot beverage!

Ha! Such a fool!

Doesn't she know that I am immune to all winds and weathers? It's only bad fashion that makes me shudder!

**6:44pm**

Still, delicious hot chocolate. Yummers!

**6:47pm**

Shall, of course, break the news to Severus in a gentle, nurturing manner. Perhaps, while I deliver the crushing blow, I could offer some suggestions...? I do really think plum robes would bring his complexion to life (read: make the best of a bad situation!)

**Bed - 8:03pm**

Sweet Merlin, I'm exhausted!

Being an icon for children and adults alike is certainly taking all of my (not inconsiderable) strength and style.

**8:06:pm**

Though not _all_ my style of course. That I mostly reserve for day to day charm, fashion and flirtatious winks.

* * *

><p><span><strong>17th September<strong>

**Classroom (Ravenclaw and Gryffindor - 6th years) - 11:27am**

Everyone's getting on with their work.

Very bored.

**11:28am**

But stylishly so, of course.

**11:34am**

Can't one of them do something? Compliment my robes? Ask how I get my hair to stay so perfect all day? Have a mild seizure?

Goodness, they're a boring lot.

**11:37am**

Ah-ha! Ruddy-cheeked Gryffindor boy is passing notes!

**11:38am**

Did a subtle wander around the class and stopped at the culprit's desk! Loomed over him a bit (in a menacing way, not a sexy one. Obviously)

"You there! Stop that! Don't think I don't know who you are!" (I have no idea who he is - but shhh!)

Now, to swap my approach. A bit of good teacher, even better teacher!

"Come on now, dear boy. Hand those notes over. There's a good lad."

**11:43am**

Have hit the mother-lode!

These notes are full of gossip! FULL!

Turns out, Ruddy Gryffindor boy is after Dorky Ravenclaw girl three seats away. What larks!

**11:46am**

Right, Gilderoy.

It's time to stop just being a teacher, an adventurer, charming smiler and a beloved public figure.

It's time to start being all those things and more! More specifically, a helper of those who are less blessed with looks (ie: everyone), style (coughSEVERUScough) and charm.

Starting with Ruddy Gryffindor boy!

**Noon**

"Class dismissed! Remember to finish transcribing your favourite passage from 'Gadding With Ghouls' by our next lesson! You there Rud- boy!" (Close shave!) "Stay behind. I want to talk to you about these notes."

Poor boy looked so miserable walking to my desk. Not only is he laden with the burden of unrequited love but he also thinks he's going to be told off by his older, chic teacher. But there's quite the surprise coming for him! Little does he know: this teacher happens to be a bit of a handsome rogue who's down with the kids!

"These notes are appalling, dear boy!"

Ruddy Gryffindor boy hung his head. "Sorry, sir."

"You've got no panache!"

Ha! There it is! Surprise and admiration!

"S-sorry, sir? I don't - "

"I mean, it's no wonder she's saying no, is it? You're asking her to sit with you at lunch? That's hardly an award-winning proposition, is it?"

"Well - "

"It's not. And you're a fool if you think otherwise. Are you a fool, boy?"

"Er...no, sir."

"That's right! Now, I suggest a trip to Hogsmeade. The vintage setting, the crisp autumn air! A Butterbeer to warm her up! Then offer her your coat on the way home and voila! Girl won and reputation with the lads is restored."

"Oh. Right. Er...thanks, professor."

**12:02pm**

Oh, what it is to be a role model!

You're a gem of a teacher, Gilderoy.

* * *

><p><span><strong>4th October<strong>

**8:34pm**

Exhausted. Teaching really is a strenuous occupation. But nevertheless I shall endure...these rascals need me, after all!

**8:45pm**

Oh, and while I think of it: more news on the romance front!

I popped down to Hogsmeade last weekend and saw that sexy little barmaid Tricia! What a lovely she is!

Hmmm. Hopefully will dream of her while I'm entangled in my satin sheets.

**8:47pm**

Imagine _her _in my satin sheets!

**8:51pm**

Woof!

* * *

><p><span><strong>31st October<strong>

**8:03am - My Super Glamorous, Chic and Devilishly Sensual Chambers**

Oh, my poor, fabulous diary I have neglected you! But never fear, Gilderoy has returned and he's more handsome than ever (I know, it seems impossible, doesn't it?)

Since my last entry, my days have consisted of passing my knowledge on to a new generation, refining my robe selection (ha! Like it needs refining!) and keeping Potter in line (and offering him some sage advice!)

**8:17am**

Hmm. What robes to wear today?

When in doubt, champagne is _always_ a sensible, stylish choice...

**8:18am**

Or perhaps midnight? A deep blue really brings out my eyes.

**8:23am**

Ida came bursting in with pre-breakfast breakfast.

"IDAAAA! DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO LOUD?"

**8:24am**

She won't stop laughing. Well, I say 'laughing'. She sort of snorts and grunts.

Nothing about her is elegant. _Nothing._

**8:27am**

She's finally stopped.

**8:28am**

Platter of croissants with apricot jam (apricots = healthy!)

Omnomnom!

**8:34am**

Mmm. Full.

Now, back to serious matters.

"Ida. I need you to bring me some robes. I'm thinking blue: midnight, sky, azure and perhaps a champagne set just as a back up."

"But sir! Ida thought you would want the warm selection today! Sir always says he must wear red or orange on Halloween!"

"Ida! You must _never_ select robes without my consent!"

**8:36am**

Hmm. Had forgotten about Halloween though.

Reds and oranges _would _be more suitable really. And dear old Gilderoy does love to dress for the occasion...

Can't let Ida know she was right.

**8:39am**

Wearing burnt orange robes with a rust waistcoat. I look so good I think my eyes are watering.

"See, sir! Wasn't Ida right?"

So close to slapping those big ears. _No, Gilderoy. Keep your cool. Anger leads to messy hair and blotchy cheeks._

"Ah, but you said 'red' and 'orange'. I was imagining some sort of nursery worker dressed in children's brights. _No._ This is rust and burnt orange. Relearn your colours, Ida. For Merlin's sake!"

**8:41am**

Ida's snivelling.

Looking at myself in the mirror. A house elf's tears are _so_ worth this outfit.

**8:43am**

Walking to the Great Hall.

That's it Gilderoy. Nose in the air, no regrets.

Regrets are for ugly people with no ambition.

**8:46am - The Great Hall**

Breakfast! About time. I'm starving.

There's only one seat left and it's between Severus and Minnie - not a chatty combo! Nevertheless, I shall do my best to make breakfast enjoyable for all!

Shoved some pancakes and syrup on my plate. Let's tackle Minnie first!

"So, Minerva. Halloween. Fun, eh? All the bats, the food, the japes - "

**8:47am**

She's started talking to Dumbledore. Poor dab, must be hard of hearing. She is ancient after all.

"Severus!" I said it as though I'd just noticed him. I could easily be an actor if the opportunity arose. (Hmm, perhaps that's a thought for a little summer work...? Interesting! A celebrity guest star in an otherwise mediocre play!)

"Gilderoy." He's eating toast with a knife and fork. Great Scott, no wonder no one likes him. Who does that? That's a whole new level of square-ness.

"I imagine you like Halloween, Sevvie! You save a bit more money than most too! No need for you to buy a mask, is there? Of course, it's far harder on the ones blessed with beauty. The amount of money I've spend over the years trying to make myself look like a fright!" I laughed and shook my hair. I imagine the light made my hair look like golden thread. "That, in itself, is a horror story!"

**8:48am**

Oh. He's gone.

That man has no manners. It appears I'll have to help him with more than fashion! A sulky attitude, a sulky appearance makes.

**8:49am**

...or something.

**8:50am**

Merlin's beard! There wasn't even any butter on his toast!

**8:51am**

Maybe that's how he makes his voice all raspy.

**12:04pm - The Great Hall**

LUNCH!

No sign of Severus.

That man is the height of rudeness. And bad fashion. And bad breath. And greasy hair.

**12:05pm**

Why am I even bothering with him? Surely he's a lost cause!

**12:06pm**

No, come on, Gilderoy. You help people less fortunate than yourself (ie. everyone)

That's your thing, that's your angle!

**2:03pm - The Triumphant Return to My Sexy Chambers**

Exhausted after reorganising my wardrobe. This calls for a nap.

"IDAAAA! Fetch my nap cushion!"

**2:05pm**

Ida can't find my nap cushion. I'm so tired I could cry!

**2:06pm**

Crying.

**2:09pm**

Ida's half-heartedly looking through my cushion chest. Pushed her aside. She fell into my blanket chest. Fool.

**2:11pm**

Cushions now all over the floor! Bed cushions, chair cushions, window perch cushions, toilet cushions (don't ask!) but _no_ nap cushion!

**2:13pm**

Crying again.

**2:16pm**

Nap cushion found! Ida threw it to me and it me in the curls.

An accident I'm sure. She knows I didn't mean to throw her into the blanket chest.

**2:23pm**

A little nap to get me all refreshed for the feast this evening.

Nothing more than half an hour, though. Otherwise I'll be bleary eyed and that's the last thing I need!

**4:36pm**

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

**5:44pm**

Merlin's robes! My hair's all stuck up on the one side. My curls have degenerated to frizz!

"IDAAAAA!"

**5:49pm**

PANIC STATIONS!

Need to pick out some robes (must have something a little more strident for the feast) and have Ida fix my hair.

**5:51pm**

Robes picked out in record time! A vibrant pumpkin shade with gold touches! V. suitable! Now onto hair.

**5:55pm**

Ida's done a quick repair job. It's presentable but it's lacking its usual bounce and shimmer. Argh! What to do?!

**5:57pm**

Had a last minute brainwave! Time to try out that glitter hairspray!

**5:59pm**

I LOVE it! May have to buy some body glitter on my next visit to Hogsmeade so my skin can match my hair. Oh, imagine the shimmering!

**6:06pm - The Great Hall - Halloween Feast**

Ah! Nothing quite like light-hearted fear and pumpkin pie to make the evening go with a bang!

Bats galore around the hall too! Cute things from a distance but when they get too close, I start to worry about a pooing scenario. That's the last thing I need after the traumatic day I've had.

**7:20pm**

Full as an egg!

**7:21pm**

Actually, _are_ there any eggs left?

**7:26pm**

_Now_ I'm full as an egg! (I'm definitely allowed to say that as I've just eaten four.)

**8:31pm - Barricaded In My Chambers**

Potter's cracked again.

He's done something to that wretched caretaker's wretched cat and written some words on the wall in blood.

Quite, quite barmy! There's a good chance he's going to kill us all!

**9:02pm**

Sat up in bed. Ida calmed me down with some warm milk and a plate of biscuits.

I put on a brave face in front of Dumbledore and the others. Don't want them thinking their Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher is a wussy (which I am not, of course. Merely cautious.)

Once the ordeal was over, I ran back to my chambers as fast as I could.

**9:11pm**

The boy is mad. Very, very mad. And it's all for my attention no doubt. Well, I shall not rise to it. That's what the little scamp wants!

**9:21pm**

Ida keeps telling me I've gone 'hysterical'.

"I haven't, Ida! And if I have, telling me I have would not do anything to alleviate my hysteria!"

**9:29pm**

Ida's staying up all night to stoke the fire. She didn't volunteer but I think she would have if I hadn't told her first.

She just cannot sleep unless she knows I am safe.

* * *

><p><span><strong>2nd November<strong>

**7:30am - Staff Meeting**

Merlin, Minnie's droning on.

_'Staff needs to be on the alert'_. Yawn. _'Look out for any unusual behaviour.'_ How about Potter's? He's the fruit-loop! _'Staff dismissed.'_ Yada, yada, yada. Whatever, Minnie.

**7:31am**

Oh, right.

**10:00am**

First class of the day. Already bored.

Snooooooze.

* * *

><p><span><strong>5th November<strong>

**2:09pm - My Classroom of Wonder**

Second years! Therefore, Potter's class!

Have had a brainwave overnight! Will combine my new interest in acting with my desire to counsel Potter through his fame-hungry teen years. Decided to enact my defeat of the Wagga Wagga werewolf so he can let out all of his conflicted emotions in regular howls.

It seems to be going well. He's really getting into it. The howls are becoming increasingly desperate. Realising that Potter is a pitiful character than a sly villain.

**3:01pm**

That Weetabix-haired friend of Potter's came wandering up to me at the end of class.

Seems she's a big fan of _Gadding With Ghouls_! She wanted me sign some little piece of paper that will help her read into it more. Ah, another young fan!

Had a quick chat to Potter about the upcoming Quidditch match too. Decided to offer his a branch of friendship by suggesting that I could give him some tips if needs be. I was, after all, asked to try out for the National Squad.

**10:17pm**

A triumph of a day! Rewarding self with cream and jam scones in bed.

* * *

><p><span><strong>7th November<strong>

**11:00am - Quidditch Pitch**

Ah, Quidditch! There's nothing quite like the smell of brooms, blood and broken limbs!

Gryffindor versus Slytherin - who am I supporting? Well, I am fully behind Potter of course. However, I do admire the ambition of the Slytherins. And perhaps Potter could do with taking down a peg or two...

**11:12am**

Potter's taken a bludger to the arm! That's going to hurt in the morning!

**11:16am**

Rushed to Potter's rescue! Fixing his arm.

**11:19am**

Bones in Potter's arm all gone.

Ah.

Told him that can sometimes happen.

Probably can.

He wasn't pleased though. Hmmm...

**11:21am**

Oh, what does he know? He's only twelve!

**12:13pm**

Enough of this nonsense.

I'm off to eat cake.


End file.
